What sucks more then anything is that a long long time ago I let people make me feel like who I am is wrong. I know that I’m a good person and I know I would never hurt anyone. Yet a long time ago when I was growing up and learning who I was, i had a family that made me feel like I wasnt enough, that I hurt those I’m around, and that my very exsistance was wrong.
It’s something that’s followed me into every aspect of myself as an adult. I do well when I’m alone and nothing I do effects anyone. On the other hand when I like someone when I want to be with someone, all those feelings resurface and I become scared. I worry that I will hurt them, I worry I will keep them from being great or themselves, I worry that my very exsistance in thier lives is enough to keep them from every being happy.
Not only people but success as well. I feel as if I dont deserve to be happy and have the things I want. That other people deserve what I have more so then myself. How messed up is it that I’ve been programmed to feel this way. I’m doing my best to change it, I’m doing all I can. Sometimes though I dont think it’s something I’ll be able to do alone. Which means facing the fear that I’m harmful to someone and someone loving me enough to help my change the way I was programmed. Its allot to ask for for and allot more to overcome. Who knows maybe I’ll just be alone forever and that will be best. It’s not that I’m not ok alone, alone is where im comfortable.