I think one of the biggest things to over come is family trauma. Make no mistake every family passes on some kind of trauma to there kid in varying degrees. When its on the lower end of the scale its easy to heal and forgive your parents/family and usually goes unnoticed. Then there’s the higher end of the scale thats the one thats hard to over come. This is all my opinion from my perspective of course.

See when there is allot of hate or shame or just abuse in general passed down to the children it becomes a part of them. They have been growing up observing this tramua there whole life so its given there brain will wire its self to repeat this Trauma. Wether its in the people they love or how they treat people it will manifest itself in some way in the child. More often then not the child will hate that side of them or be ashamed of that side of them. They will search out partners that validate these feelings they have deep within them. It will seem like love is the enemy but its not.

The real enemy is what we see as love, how we view the world through our broken eyes. You get comfortable in this illusion and it keeps repeating itself over and over. Eventually unless you break this cycle you decide to give up on love altogether or just settle and keep living life like its normal. None of this ever leads to happiness though.

Its important to come to terms with that side of yourself. That way you can understand that just as you cant help the way you was raised neither could your parents. We don’t get to decide those things. Yet if you can do this if you can forgive yourself and forgive your family. If you can change yourself you can break this cycle. During this journey you should come to learn that you cant change anyone they have to want to change. They have to be willing. If they are not then just as you want people to accept you, you should accept them.

You cant change the past but you can create a better future. By healing yourself and learning what you need help with you can learn to have authority over yourself. You can learn what it truly means to be independent. Being independent isn’t about supporting yourself, its about knowing yourself on such a deep level you know what and where you need help and being able to ask for this help. Its not an easy journey its lonely but you have to understand you are good enough, your are worth it, but you can’t do it alone and anyone who says they have done it alone is a liar. Those people don’t pay attention to the countless individuals that were there for them and this is strictly there ego talking. We all need each other equally.

What sucks about people is how fragile they really are. We can get hurt and stick around because of love and after long enough that abuse is installed into us as normal. We start to seek it out and think that abuse is what we what. We get angry with ourselves, we hate ourselves and we ultimately get so lost from who we was that we give up because we feel like theres no going back. The thing is the same thing that broke us can heal us if we are brave enough to stop going after what we want and accepting what we deserve. Sometimes this abuse started as a kid when we where young and ultimately when that’s the case our first love is going to hurt us dearly. Sometimes this abuse can happen with our first relationship and if that’s the case you may never want to have a relationship again unable to trust yourself. I promise though if you dont give up, if you learn to trust yourself, if you keep growing and never give up you can find yourself again. Dont give up, dont stop growing, and dont accept all these easy life pleasures. Pleasure is what stops you from growing and pain is a result of getting lost in pleasure. You got this no matter how hard it is.

What sucks more then anything is that a long long time ago I let people make me feel like who I am is wrong. I know that I’m a good person and I know I would never hurt anyone. Yet a long time ago when I was growing up and learning who I was, i had a family that made me feel like I wasnt enough, that I hurt those I’m around, and that my very exsistance was wrong.

It’s something that’s followed me into every aspect of myself as an adult. I do well when I’m alone and nothing I do effects anyone. On the other hand when I like someone when I want to be with someone, all those feelings resurface and I become scared. I worry that I will hurt them, I worry I will keep them from being great or themselves, I worry that my very exsistance in thier lives is enough to keep them from every being happy.

Not only people but success as well. I feel as if I dont deserve to be happy and have the things I want. That other people deserve what I have more so then myself. How messed up is it that I’ve been programmed to feel this way. I’m doing my best to change it, I’m doing all I can. Sometimes though I dont think it’s something I’ll be able to do alone. Which means facing the fear that I’m harmful to someone and someone loving me enough to help my change the way I was programmed. Its allot to ask for for and allot more to overcome. Who knows maybe I’ll just be alone forever and that will be best. It’s not that I’m not ok alone, alone is where im comfortable.