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I guess if I had a passion it would be empowering woman, I grew up in a home of broken woman, being what was needed for them, I hated how the world had mad them lose trust in themselves, and seem to ignore what they really needed, but as a child I was helpless and I hated that feeling, to understand, to know, to see, yet unable to communicate or connect or help the ones around me I did what I could I suppressed myself and let them blame me for everything, I never thought I would be abandoned by the same people and when I was I had nothing of me left and killed myself only to wake up angry at God or whatever the hell this asshole who controls things is, just let me disappear, I was useless and unable to help the ones I loved, I was unable to do anything right, I could talk right, I could get anyone to listen or understand what I was saying and it felt like when I expressed myself I was punished by the world, I let my mother die thinking I didn’t love her, my grandmother died hating herself, and you won’t let me give up because I want to. Noone really knew what I had done and noone even noticed the emptiness inside of me after that, as I went through life I learned so much from others, and I learned that most blamed there pain or refused to acknowledge there past, it controlled them and made them relive it over and over. That peoples ability to think was hindered because life has become so routine, most of all I want to help woman understand themselves because I don’t think anyone in a long time has every even given woman the respect they deserve, not I money or material things but in the faith in unknown and the trust they have in themselves to be so confident in what they know that there able to be what someone else needs and show them who they are and never lose themselves, the strength it takes to do so much for someone who more then likly will never understand what was done for them only move forward in life with a true sense of self allowing them to find love.

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What is it that drives our egos? honestly it can be allot of things but i think a big part of it is our instinct to survive. trapped in the mind looking for experiance, always misunderstood searching for understanding. Survivel now doesnt mean staying alive its turned into what we need to feel alive. feelings have never been so complex and hard to identify though. theres more understanding and so many more people with emotions interacting with each other that what we feel has started to never make sense. Really though there not that complex because there just percieved emotion and emotion is more simple and real. I cant prove anything, this is just a perception of my mind compared to others. One thing that i still have yet to enjoy in life is sex, Its been used to hurt me and I have finally accepted that and letting go of it making me feel worthless. I have many other great things about me that are priceless. Even though the drive to exsist has changed I think one thing that directly effects it still is the instinct to survive. Sex isnt wrong and im not one to judge. but consider this for a moment. Sex is a means for survival not a means to keep us happy. Women use men by having beauty, something that takes great self discipline that needs to be appreciated even If it was done unhealthily it took allot of work and that work shouldnt be invalidated to work so hard and hurt ones own self feeling as if its the only way to do the things they want in this world takes an amazing amount of effort. That self discipline though is a curse. You cant control your body and mind and still be yourself. Blocking out things and building up walls you cage who you are, so you can have all the things you think make you happy. Your caught in the allure of this world, the illusion. In this role you know men will give anything for sex and sex for you doesn’t matter because you want to have experiences and feel. You feed the mens ego and make them believe thier wanted and worthy of what they have gained. In your head though you know its been you all along. Teasing and using all the tactics you have learned to play the fawn. The problem i see with this though is that your feeding an ego for material things and at some pont you was in control until something happens and you realize you can’t stop that you only had the illusion of control. All those men you fed move on and hurt because they was giving you things thinking as long as I feed her she will stay using that sense of power and confidence you give them to gain more things in life. They never thought for second you would never care for them, that what you wanted was something men usually seem to dismiss. In this way the ego is fueling both sides. Men needing to feel that thier gains in life have meaning, and the woman experiance all the things that make them feel.

Sure all is good for awhile and life seems great. The thing is though woman have begin to believe sex is nothing and that they have the control. Men on the other hand think there gains give them power and respect and they can have whatever they want because so. Woman in control of themselves gave in to submission to get what they want. Men in power flaunt what they have as a show of dominance to have any woman they want. This is only what we tell ourselves though. Every girl that leaves only prooves to the man his gains don’t mean anything but his life was built around his ego hes wants to feel powerful and respected not feeling good enough the ego drives to obtain more. Every man that never sees her real needs only makes her feel forgotten and trapped and the ego drives her to keep experiencing more. Behind it though all she wants is to feel something real. Both man and woman worthless and empty they have forgotten who they was before puberty hit. They have rejected that kid who they used to be for the person they want to be. The thing is, who they are was that kid thats forgotten.

That kid so pure innocent and full of dreams almost like a fairytale now. In a world were all we want to do is achieve, we have lost all belief in our dreams. So we project that in the world and use it as a reason to keep moving forward. The car of our dreams, the house of our dreams, the life of our dreams. Our dreams though were nothing more then that. They was imaginary things that filled us with wonder, they gave us hope an faith in all the things we can’t see. As adults though we have made our dreams more real and literal. They no longer fill us with wonder. So why are we giving up our bodies, our time, and all the things that make us special? It all started with hormones and sex. We allowed sex to become a tool to get what we wanted in some way. Wether it was satisfaction or feeling something we then focused on what we think the opposite sex wants and how we can get what we need from them. Our ego slowly changes and we have come defined buy these things. In order to maintain our percieved sense of self the ego does what it can to protect is. So what happens when presented with evidence our beliefs are wrong? Theres plenty of defensive mechanisms the brain will use, denial, rationalization, anger, fear, intimidation. There all tools to protect the beliefs we have built ourselves on. I think these effects are generally masculine and femenin in nature. Now i dont mean male or female im talking of there energy they embrace. masculine energy usually external and competive control with anger and fear, they understand something is wrong but never see themselves. Femininity generally internal with good control of themselves they block out things that dont serve them there unable to see the world for what it is. Wether your male or female I think the brain has the ability to encompass them both generally though females have better intuition and a good executive area I do believe its called (I dont feel like checking right now lol) men on the other hand more instinctal with a good spatial ability.

So how do we fix it? Im not sure yet and thats what i hope to find one day. I see allot of the concepts behind the patterns but i dont always apply them correctly. I know that we need to stop blaming, that includes ourselves and others. What happened happened and its ok now. even though you may have hurt people, guess what they needed that hurt to break there own illusions. If you have made it this far i more then im willing to bet theres been a castrophic event or events in your life that has effected you in a way that has destroyed everything you thought you knew. As i said forgive yourself, your actions up until now have helped others in there journey its ok to trust yourself because as humans we are nothing more then the physical manafestion of the struggle between opposing forces and now that you know this you can begin to see who you are. Forgive others because all the anger and mean things they did slowly caused the balances to tip inside of you even if you couldnt tell, its all happened to help you. Now its a hard thing to do i know im not saying its easy this will be the most terrifying thing ever. Your event or events that have broken you will cause your ego to shatter and your gonna wanna try and pick up the pieces but dont. Those pieces where of a person that wasnt you. You have a chance to stop and see who you was. Who you was never needed anything to be happy and free. Who you was could always find the wonder and amazment of all the smallest of things. Who you was could see the magic that keeps this world alive. That’s when you realize home isnt inside a person or a place, its not inside of you either. Home is nothing more then a belief built on a dream that was all given to us. Even if it was full of abuse or you was given all that you wanted none of that matters. What matters is that somewhere deep down behind all that makes us human. The soul had a dream that was passed on to you and now you can keep that dream going with the faith that no matter what happens to us the dream will stay alive. Treat your soul with love and let love in because until the soul is healed we can never be our true selves, we are part of something bigger reguardless of what you call it, each and everyone of us has a purpose. I believe that purpose is each other. Were all healing the past trying to become whole. Sometimes you mess up and take the wrong path but i promise that path forced upon you or by choice has helped you understand something your going to need. So once you reach that point where you dont know who you are anymore. First forgive all the things you have done. Then forget all the things you have achieved. None of it matters right now because that wasnt who you are. Look at all things unbiased and objectively. Does it align with who you was or was it something you did to get what you thought you wanted. Think back and remember yourself as a child then go through all the memories you have and rebuild yourself. Let who you are be loved. Learn to love people for who they are. Even if they seem to be the bad ones you can love them and treat them with kindness if they enter you life. If it doesnt align with who you are though dont feed it. Put your ego aside and show them your unaffected. A hungry animal wont stay if theres no food. Find things that make you smile and happy. Stop chasing pleasure and pain. Learn to be accepting of your decisions so that you can judge them impartially. Who you are is ok and always will be because who you are never changes. It’s our actions to obtain what we think we want that hides us. Realize that nothing you do matters, but everything you do is the most important decision you will ever make.

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So heres the thing from my experience I enjoy making music to calm my anxeity, it helps me out but it also let’s me express emotion and release them. Now if this is a way for me to express wouldnt listening be a way to digest? Which means the words in the music you listen to matter just as much as the music. I think the music opens up the creative side of the brain but at the time when we enjoy the music and mindlessly repeat these words it’s going to in my opinion change our mentality and mindset. Words are important and every person who’s tryed to heal or grow will tell you that. So if words are important to restructure how you see yourself then why wouldnt you pay attention to the words in the music you listen to…….words are emotion the way you say them your enunciation( I love you spell check ) even how you position you tongue changes the way in which people recieve these words. Pay attention.

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So here’s the thing I know emotion is real and its the energy constantly flowing through us all. It’s something we all share even if the emotion is flowing at different frequencies its still energy. Feelings on the other hand are not real, there perceptions of the emotional changes in our body, which means there is know way to treat them from outside the body. This is why one must heal themselves, yet to start the healing one has to want help, wanting help means you have went through the process of questioning yourself which means your open to suggestions. Which is why someone who doesn’t want help never seems to change. My question though is if feelings arnt real if there a perception made up of our own processing of information at the time of the emotional spike. Then why is it that people seem to act like there is a certain way to express oneself, isnt every action we take in this world not an expression of feeling we have formed? If thats the case then helping people understand that feelings are everything and nothing should help them understand children as well. Children make up stories, they copy what they see, they mimic what they feel, then then try to use these things to express and assert themselves as a conscious and aware being. What is it about a childs dreams and pretending and exploring things they see that makes adults so terrified. Are people really that scared of being seen as a bad parent, of being cast out by the crowd that the destroy there childs sense of self and foundation of self love. They essentially cast out there own childs person and force them to conform to what they find appropriate. Then when the child acts out needing attention to feel love and self worth they reject or neglect the child. all because they see there own lack of self love and self worth reflected back to them. They cause the child to throw away there sense of self and to become a copy of the parent only and never learn what it means to love themselves because all they do is harbor resentment for the parent, deep down the child knows something is wrong. Yet to reject the parent is to reject who they have become. With no foundation of self love though this is a nearly impossible feet for most. They need to hold on to and believe there parents raised them well in order to function and be a person. There lives become driven to validate themselves through the parents praise or rejection. they start life off living in anxeity and never learn what its like to not have anxiety. Without the anxiety or love theres nothing there but emptiness. What I want people to understand is that emptiness is not to be feared, its scary because its new, that emptiness is the chance to be who you want to be, to go back to when you was a child and restore your dreams. See feelings may be fake but the heart and mind are not. The heart and mind are designed to survive and to move forward but you must trust them first. You must choose to let go of everything that makes you feel complete and full and dive into the darkness. Only then will you see that just behind that veil the little sweet innocent kid who got lost so long ago is there waiting, shielded from all the pain and torture you have endured up until this point. Now though its your job to protect him/her and to build a path out of the darkness for him. To show him/her how strong they are and to love them and allow them to dream and play once again. are you up to the task? I promise you its not an easy one it will never be done by blaming others but it can be done by finding those that are kind and letting them help, never spew what can hurt you to early but also dont hold on to it untill its to late. the kind hearted will always find you when your ready, make sure you able to see them and not fear them.

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So I see allot of people get stuck on dont take things personal that the other person is fighting thier own battles. While I partially believe in this the concept behind it is wrong to me. When people whole heartedly believe in this they will ignore themselves. Yes when someone gets angry at you gets emotional allot of times it’s not personal it is the other persons problem. Though the fact remains that something you did triggered something in another person. Just because we shouldnt takes things personal also doesnt mean we should just do what we want. That’s the rule I think we should take from even wild animals, you should pay attention to the other person. How you act effects people and it is your job to control how you act. You shouldnt act however you want, you should act in a way that benefits both people that’s intelligence imo. Sometimes your actions warent a reaction even if it’s an over reaction on there part. You should take things personal because it makes you question what you believe in and questioning yourself is the best way to grow. If you never question yourself then your only lieing to yourself. If you do this for to long based off of excuses like there in the wrong, or they was the ones that hurt you, or they have there own battles to deal with, then your only ignoring yourself and your actions and it’s the easiest way to fall into a spiral of anxiety. Anxiety in its essence makes you become someone your not. You end up doing things that go against your internal beliefs, beliefs you can no longer see because of the anxiety. You have to go back and remember who you was and you have to choose to go back to those beliefs and it will be so hard. Its possiablly the hardest thing in the world to do because at some point we let someone make us lose sight of those beliefs and the brain can no longer trust itself to make the right decision. Anxiety sets in as a way protect us from our choices. You forget your beliefs so you can hide from the pain. The pain though is still thier and it will always come out. It will come out as pleasure, As attractions, as anger. See just because you shouldnt take things personal doesnt mean they arnt personal. We are all dealing with our own demons but those demons are one and the same. Thier demons are your demons and you look to love those demons to validate those demons but you have to choose to deal with those demons and to turn away from those demons if your truly want the brain to trust yourself and to love yourself again.

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Finding what makes us special can be really hard. In a world where everyone feels lost and is desperate to stand out actually seeing what sets you apart from others can be hard to do. It may be something everyone else is already doing, or it may be something you dont even see as being special. One thing I can tell you though is it wont be what people tell you it is, and it wont be what people like you for. It’s going to be something very personal to you. It very well may be the thing you hate most about yourself. Some of the most inspirational and unique things about people grow in the areas of themselves that go unnoticed, the crevices inside the mind that people have hidden all of there best qualities to keep them safe while they venture out into the world and learn, that what they think is unique and pushing the limits is really just another form of following the crowd. Of course that’s ok and we cant learn what’s special about us untill we learn what isnt. Because as we grow up we have allot of ideas and things programmed into us that we have no way of knowing what’s really us and what’s not us. So you have to grow and experience things, you have to go after what you think you want, you have to try doing what you think makes you special. Sometimes you even need to feel included while you do this, so join as many groups change who you are be whoever you want. Just dont get lost in the adventure of trying to be special that you lose sight of what really makes you the amazing person you are. Once you find it, find a way to make it into something that inspires others to be themselves.