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I like to listen and compare stories I hear and things people say to try and understand how people work. What I find fascinating is how we use sex to act out tramua and be rewarded for it. All i can really think is that because sex is about survival evolutionaryspeaking lol, its the brains attempt to fulfill some type of invisible pain we feel.

For me it was wanting to feel powerless when my ex left me I was scared of woman. I gave up my power. I felt weak so I looked to feel powerless with sex, for me it was only a few times I tried things with another male, it never made me feel powerless or any less masculine. I try to learn quickly from my anxiety filled impulses. I’ve seen others though that weren’t noticed being abused so now they get turned on by being loud and letting anyone thats around know there having sex. To people who feel humiliation for something in there past and like to be humiliated during sex. Then theres things like girls whos dad doesn’t stick around looking for a daddy in a relationship. Its intresting how things effect what your attracted to. Whats even weirder is that all of these things are not your fault its a invisible type of pain persay thats not attached to a real emotion I dont think or its a real emotion with no proper feeling for it so maybe like having a real arm getting cut off then that pain that sticks around because the brain says there is a arm there lol. So imo the brain attempts to create a feeling or a reason to feel this pain. Which is why we are attracted to certain things. Because without an actual feeling to base it on how can we know that its not how we want to be treated hell how can you even make a choice until you experience it again with a mature brain.

What I find crazy about all this is that people have normalized all these things into kinks and built communities around them. Like they have made it ok to enable trauma. Not that I’m judging people individually just the concept of it. See i agree that it should be accepted but the problem is nothing will ever feel that void. You will always need something more, something extreme, like anything we get used to it, then its not as pleasurable. The only thing left once the pleasure fades is anxeity and emptiness.

Which I guess though this makes sense. If loving my ex gave her the ability to alter the way I love. Then sex which creates a feeling of love and connection(oxytocin) let’s people validate the tramua from the past by finding people to do something to them that validates some feeling they have inside there head. Think of couple who argue allot that like the make up angry sex……essentially validating all the anger they feel.

Like i said its all intresting. Another reason also to stop treating people how they think they want to be treated and treat them with love.

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Honestly I hate it, I dont like all the hate and the pain. It sucks to see a country give into anger and use it as a tool to initiate change. I know what happened was wrong I’m not arguing that. What I mean is that I feel like there should be a way to do all this with love. I mean if we look at this in terms of a relationship then thier whole race was in a emotionally and physically abusive relationship for so long that it change there mentality. The blacks of america are trauma victims that are hurt and lashing out at any in justice. Cause the fact of the matter is facts can be spun and made to support any cause what’s important is the patterns. As a community they see each other as weak and there always looking to get ahead, there anger which should be directed at there community is overly directed at justice. Which is ok they cant turn that anger on themselves right now because those feelings of weakness and powerlessness they was made to feel so long ago. They still are trying to take there power back but there power will only ever come from within. They need to respect each other and love each other. There race is not weak they are powerful. But noone has shown them how to love themselves. Noone has understood them in such a way to make them feel like there valid. So I’m here to say I love all you black people out there no matter what. Because I understand our country as a whole wronged you. I’m also saying that I want you to love yourself. Stop calling each other a foul word. It’s ok to be angry with each other. You can be mad at yourself, be mad at the world and be mad at anyone you want to. Healing will take time but emotions and femininity is not weak. You can’t be fighting each other if you want to fight the world. The only way to take on america is to make them understand why your mad. You have to show them how things have effected you and you have to make them see that mentally the effects still linger. You have to start loving one another inside the community and stop looking to always come up. Do you really believe money makes you powerful or gets you everything in life? Money does nothing but make you lose sight of who you are. I know that once you come together as a community and support each other out of love instead anger that’s directed at injustice you can get a real following. Do you understand how many kids in today’s world dont love themselves either, growing up without fathers so they never know what it means to be a man. So they walk around trying to show how big and bad they are when inside there nothing but scared and lost. If you want change you have to have the entire nation on you side and not just the young kids looking to express themselves. First you need to come together then you need a leader, then you need a goal, what do you want. You want justice? For what? For the trauma inflicted up you mentally? Cause back in those days it was a thing, not though it very well is. What do you actually want. Maybe you just want people to understand how much pain your in as community and to stop acting like it’s as simple as yall not hurting each other. You have mentally been conditioned to think of yourselves as week and powerless. I think though your strong. Walking around everyday feeling like nothing yet still intimidating all those around you. Loving your men who have had there power taken from them. Men running from there kids because they dont wanna be a shitty father. If were gonna promote change then let’s do it the way MLK did. Let’s make it the most extraordinary thing the world has seen.

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So here’s the thing I know emotion is real and its the energy constantly flowing through us all. It’s something we all share even if the emotion is flowing at different frequencies its still energy. Feelings on the other hand are not real, there perceptions of the emotional changes in our body, which means there is know way to treat them from outside the body. This is why one must heal themselves, yet to start the healing one has to want help, wanting help means you have went through the process of questioning yourself which means your open to suggestions. Which is why someone who doesn’t want help never seems to change. My question though is if feelings arnt real if there a perception made up of our own processing of information at the time of the emotional spike. Then why is it that people seem to act like there is a certain way to express oneself, isnt every action we take in this world not an expression of feeling we have formed? If thats the case then helping people understand that feelings are everything and nothing should help them understand children as well. Children make up stories, they copy what they see, they mimic what they feel, then then try to use these things to express and assert themselves as a conscious and aware being. What is it about a childs dreams and pretending and exploring things they see that makes adults so terrified. Are people really that scared of being seen as a bad parent, of being cast out by the crowd that the destroy there childs sense of self and foundation of self love. They essentially cast out there own childs person and force them to conform to what they find appropriate. Then when the child acts out needing attention to feel love and self worth they reject or neglect the child. all because they see there own lack of self love and self worth reflected back to them. They cause the child to throw away there sense of self and to become a copy of the parent only and never learn what it means to love themselves because all they do is harbor resentment for the parent, deep down the child knows something is wrong. Yet to reject the parent is to reject who they have become. With no foundation of self love though this is a nearly impossible feet for most. They need to hold on to and believe there parents raised them well in order to function and be a person. There lives become driven to validate themselves through the parents praise or rejection. they start life off living in anxeity and never learn what its like to not have anxiety. Without the anxiety or love theres nothing there but emptiness. What I want people to understand is that emptiness is not to be feared, its scary because its new, that emptiness is the chance to be who you want to be, to go back to when you was a child and restore your dreams. See feelings may be fake but the heart and mind are not. The heart and mind are designed to survive and to move forward but you must trust them first. You must choose to let go of everything that makes you feel complete and full and dive into the darkness. Only then will you see that just behind that veil the little sweet innocent kid who got lost so long ago is there waiting, shielded from all the pain and torture you have endured up until this point. Now though its your job to protect him/her and to build a path out of the darkness for him. To show him/her how strong they are and to love them and allow them to dream and play once again. are you up to the task? I promise you its not an easy one it will never be done by blaming others but it can be done by finding those that are kind and letting them help, never spew what can hurt you to early but also dont hold on to it untill its to late. the kind hearted will always find you when your ready, make sure you able to see them and not fear them.

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So I see allot of people get stuck on dont take things personal that the other person is fighting thier own battles. While I partially believe in this the concept behind it is wrong to me. When people whole heartedly believe in this they will ignore themselves. Yes when someone gets angry at you gets emotional allot of times it’s not personal it is the other persons problem. Though the fact remains that something you did triggered something in another person. Just because we shouldnt takes things personal also doesnt mean we should just do what we want. That’s the rule I think we should take from even wild animals, you should pay attention to the other person. How you act effects people and it is your job to control how you act. You shouldnt act however you want, you should act in a way that benefits both people that’s intelligence imo. Sometimes your actions warent a reaction even if it’s an over reaction on there part. You should take things personal because it makes you question what you believe in and questioning yourself is the best way to grow. If you never question yourself then your only lieing to yourself. If you do this for to long based off of excuses like there in the wrong, or they was the ones that hurt you, or they have there own battles to deal with, then your only ignoring yourself and your actions and it’s the easiest way to fall into a spiral of anxiety. Anxiety in its essence makes you become someone your not. You end up doing things that go against your internal beliefs, beliefs you can no longer see because of the anxiety. You have to go back and remember who you was and you have to choose to go back to those beliefs and it will be so hard. Its possiablly the hardest thing in the world to do because at some point we let someone make us lose sight of those beliefs and the brain can no longer trust itself to make the right decision. Anxiety sets in as a way protect us from our choices. You forget your beliefs so you can hide from the pain. The pain though is still thier and it will always come out. It will come out as pleasure, As attractions, as anger. See just because you shouldnt take things personal doesnt mean they arnt personal. We are all dealing with our own demons but those demons are one and the same. Thier demons are your demons and you look to love those demons to validate those demons but you have to choose to deal with those demons and to turn away from those demons if your truly want the brain to trust yourself and to love yourself again.

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When you grow up in a family who didnt care for you. Who used you as a scapegoat. Who never payed attention and where you wasnt allowed to be better then them or know better then they did. You dont learn a single thing other then do what’s best for them. When you feelings are dismissed and your wants decided for you you dont even learn your a person. Growing up basically being a robot living within parameters set by everyone else there is no individuality. There is no personality. My personality was whatever you wanted it to be. And I was defined by how well I was who you wanted. That goes over great in the workplace when people want a perfect worker. Not so much when people want a worker and try to be friends. That person is great at fitting in and being what people think they want or need and reflecting back thier desires. That is until they realize they dont know what they want, or they get mad they got what they wanted, or they get what they wanted but feel it’s to good to be true and dont appreciate it. In the real world giving people what they want only works for narcissistic individuals and as a stepping stone for others. For everything else in life it gets you rejected or tormented. When you dont know any different though and this is all you was ever made to believe made you of value getting rejected and tormented only removes your purpose for being alive. I redefined my purpose and said ok well at least people get mad at me and then go on to be happy. Or they use me and get the things they want. I learned to be grateful that I could benefit people in some small way. That was how I defined my life and my worth. That I wasnt worthy to have anything in life I was only here as a doormat for others happiness. I learned to be happy with those circumstances and accepted them. Now I’m finding out I am a person though I’m still unsure of what that means exactly or how to be an individual or unique but I’m trying. Course now that I know everyone acts like I’m to normal or plain. So I still feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I wish I didnt have to worry about money and normal life and that I could just go explore the world and learn what being human ment. Humans fascinate me.