What noone sees is the extremes I go to just to make everything look normal. I cant even hold up the appearance for more then 6 months or so before it all comes crashing down. Then I make up some excuse as to why everything happened the way it did and start all over. I dont understand allot of what I’m doing, I just make up rules that I cant break. Cause once i break them i know there not real. As long as i dont have proof otherwise then i can live what looks to be a normal life. But the more rules i break the harder it is to go back to a normal life and everything gets out of hand. A simple rule broke is just a broken rule for me. It’s a change in the way I do things. If I’m alloud 5 mins of leeway to show up late them more then likely I show up 5 mins late everytime and if someone say it’s only one min dont worry about it ok well in my head that five min rule is now 6 mins. Same goes with speeding. I never drove more the 4 miles above the speed limit. But once I did break the speed limit it’s like I ride over the speed limit all the time. So I guess the problem with being my is that I dont break the rules unless I have to or someone pushes me to do so. But once I do I lose that rule forever. Yes it restricts allot of things for me but without these rules I’m lost. I dont know what to do. I’ll do whatever people say and not understand if it’s good or bad if it’s something new. With helping people theres rules u follow, how you act and move in the conversation matters. When its social things the rules change and have so many variables that I stick to sports because at least there I play my role and that’s it. Yes I want to break my own rules but everytime I do I’ll end up going and going until I hurt someone or i hurt myself. I dont have the ability to self regulate. Sure in the moment I can look at the speedometer and say slow down. But as soon as I get distracted which is often I cant keep everything regulated and I end up speeding again. It’s like this with everything even food. I need someone to say this is what you get and this is why and as long as theres valid reasoning I can follow rules. Most the time I do this myself by getting a job then following the jobs guidelines then coming home and sleeping because if I get to doing anything fun I cant seem to make myself stop. Ugh it’s such a pain.
I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I never really liked big groups of people or loud places so I didn’t really care for parties or anything like that. Dont get me wrong I wanted to go to them and I would if i had the chance. I only wanted to and did go though because I thought this is what people normally do right. I did allot of things trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be. Including smoking cigs which i didnt start till 18 and getting drunk which i never found all that fun. Drugs seemed to be the easiest way to fit in. When your doing drugs with people they dont care who you are and if you have drugs they will hangout with you just to do them. So for awhile after my depression I ended up doing drugs because i didnt want to be alone. Allot of the things i bought was to impress people and keep up an image and the people I hung out with were not always the best but feeling needed trumped rational decisions. The sad thing is I knew that they only stuck around or hung out with me as long as I was useful to them or as long as I treated them a certain way. Either way I can say now that it was dumb of me to think that kind of lifestyle had any meaning. Sure I felt happy and the drugs kept me nice and high so I didnt care about anything else. The thing is though without the drugs I didnt like the people that much, they wasnt nice people. When they wasnt around me honestly I felt no need to do the drugs, the more I paid attention to myself the more I realized wow I do drugs just to feel like I belong somewhere. Doing drugs was fun though and i loved to do them, it’s just when I think about it one day I want a family, i want to have a kid and a partner that loves and supports me. What I dont want is a kid growing up in a chaotic household. I dont want a partner who feels unappreciated and unhappy. I dont want something like drugs to be the only thing life revolves around. So yes drugs are fun feeling wanted is nice but when I think about the future I know I have to learn to be ok by myself and with myself. No easy task I tell you especially when you grow up thinking who you are isnt acceptable, that noone would ever want you around. It sucks feeling that way because I know it’s not true but it’s what I was made to feel as a child and it’s going to take some time to change. Yes I still screw up here and there and do drugs to ease the nothingness inside but I dont beat myself up to much about it I just forgive myself and keep moving forward.