I guess if I had a passion it would be empowering woman, I grew up in a home of broken woman, being what was needed for them, I hated how the world had mad them lose trust in themselves, and seem to ignore what they really needed, but as a child I was helpless and I hated that feeling, to understand, to know, to see, yet unable to communicate or connect or help the ones around me I did what I could I suppressed myself and let them blame me for everything, I never thought I would be abandoned by the same people and when I was I had nothing of me left and killed myself only to wake up angry at God or whatever the hell this asshole who controls things is, just let me disappear, I was useless and unable to help the ones I loved, I was unable to do anything right, I could talk right, I could get anyone to listen or understand what I was saying and it felt like when I expressed myself I was punished by the world, I let my mother die thinking I didn’t love her, my grandmother died hating herself, and you won’t let me give up because I want to. Noone really knew what I had done and noone even noticed the emptiness inside of me after that, as I went through life I learned so much from others, and I learned that most blamed there pain or refused to acknowledge there past, it controlled them and made them relive it over and over. That peoples ability to think was hindered because life has become so routine, most of all I want to help woman understand themselves because I don’t think anyone in a long time has every even given woman the respect they deserve, not I money or material things but in the faith in unknown and the trust they have in themselves to be so confident in what they know that there able to be what someone else needs and show them who they are and never lose themselves, the strength it takes to do so much for someone who more then likly will never understand what was done for them only move forward in life with a true sense of self allowing them to find love.
I get caught up on the right and wrong way to do things quite often and I forget there is no rules when it comes to expressing yourself and what you think. It must be from where I’m used to catering everything about me to those around me. When it comes to communicating and connecting with others there is most definitely a right and wrong way to go about things lol. So this expression part is weird for me, I’ve spent most of my life just finding pieces of myself in others and then helping them love thereselves because I wanted love myself but could never see myself. You grow up surrounded by people who “know” themselves and imply that you have to know yourself before you can be anything in this world. The more I learn though the more I see this as a lie, to know one’s self is to limit oneself into a way of being, you should know the things you value, you should know what and why you believe what you believe, but to know who you are when who we are is constantly changing as time flows to me is a lie that only causes you to become stuck.
Racism and all that stuff.
So I find it intresting that autistic people naturally recognize other autistic people. Something about the brain sees itself in another person and guards are easily lowered and anxiety calmed. What if there’s something to take from this.
What if things like racial biased and racism stem from this. They do studies that show white people are more compassionate to other white people more so then blacks or people of other skin tones. Maybe though its not about racism at all and its more about the brain recognizing someone like themselves and are more willing to help.
I’m not saying that racism isn’t a thing. It most definitely breeds allot of hate and hate causes fear and separation. I’m just saying that maybe its not what we think it is. That maybe we are fighting the wrong kind of battles.
Honestly I believe this applies to allot of things. Even the whole gay movement. Not that being gay isn’t a thing it surly is. Biological abnormalities happen. I’m just saying that maybe once you have been hurt or traumatized maybe the only people you can feel love from are people like you because the walls we make become so high.
If history has shown us anything the more we fight for a better world the more we repeat cycles and cause more destruction. Maybe the key to it all is to stop trying to make the world a better place and just be better people. Then let the world naturally alter itself through the generations of our kids.
I find it fascinating.
I like to listen and compare stories I hear and things people say to try and understand how people work. What I find fascinating is how we use sex to act out tramua and be rewarded for it. All i can really think is that because sex is about survival evolutionaryspeaking lol, its the brains attempt to fulfill some type of invisible pain we feel.
For me it was wanting to feel powerless when my ex left me I was scared of woman. I gave up my power. I felt weak so I looked to feel powerless with sex, for me it was only a few times I tried things with another male, it never made me feel powerless or any less masculine. I try to learn quickly from my anxiety filled impulses. I’ve seen others though that weren’t noticed being abused so now they get turned on by being loud and letting anyone thats around know there having sex. To people who feel humiliation for something in there past and like to be humiliated during sex. Then theres things like girls whos dad doesn’t stick around looking for a daddy in a relationship. Its intresting how things effect what your attracted to. Whats even weirder is that all of these things are not your fault its a invisible type of pain persay thats not attached to a real emotion I dont think or its a real emotion with no proper feeling for it so maybe like having a real arm getting cut off then that pain that sticks around because the brain says there is a arm there lol. So imo the brain attempts to create a feeling or a reason to feel this pain. Which is why we are attracted to certain things. Because without an actual feeling to base it on how can we know that its not how we want to be treated hell how can you even make a choice until you experience it again with a mature brain.
What I find crazy about all this is that people have normalized all these things into kinks and built communities around them. Like they have made it ok to enable trauma. Not that I’m judging people individually just the concept of it. See i agree that it should be accepted but the problem is nothing will ever feel that void. You will always need something more, something extreme, like anything we get used to it, then its not as pleasurable. The only thing left once the pleasure fades is anxeity and emptiness.
Which I guess though this makes sense. If loving my ex gave her the ability to alter the way I love. Then sex which creates a feeling of love and connection(oxytocin) let’s people validate the tramua from the past by finding people to do something to them that validates some feeling they have inside there head. Think of couple who argue allot that like the make up angry sex……essentially validating all the anger they feel.
Like i said its all intresting. Another reason also to stop treating people how they think they want to be treated and treat them with love.
I think one of the biggest things to over come is family trauma. Make no mistake every family passes on some kind of trauma to there kid in varying degrees. When its on the lower end of the scale its easy to heal and forgive your parents/family and usually goes unnoticed. Then there’s the higher end of the scale thats the one thats hard to over come. This is all my opinion from my perspective of course.
See when there is allot of hate or shame or just abuse in general passed down to the children it becomes a part of them. They have been growing up observing this tramua there whole life so its given there brain will wire its self to repeat this Trauma. Wether its in the people they love or how they treat people it will manifest itself in some way in the child. More often then not the child will hate that side of them or be ashamed of that side of them. They will search out partners that validate these feelings they have deep within them. It will seem like love is the enemy but its not.
The real enemy is what we see as love, how we view the world through our broken eyes. You get comfortable in this illusion and it keeps repeating itself over and over. Eventually unless you break this cycle you decide to give up on love altogether or just settle and keep living life like its normal. None of this ever leads to happiness though.
Its important to come to terms with that side of yourself. That way you can understand that just as you cant help the way you was raised neither could your parents. We don’t get to decide those things. Yet if you can do this if you can forgive yourself and forgive your family. If you can change yourself you can break this cycle. During this journey you should come to learn that you cant change anyone they have to want to change. They have to be willing. If they are not then just as you want people to accept you, you should accept them.
You cant change the past but you can create a better future. By healing yourself and learning what you need help with you can learn to have authority over yourself. You can learn what it truly means to be independent. Being independent isn’t about supporting yourself, its about knowing yourself on such a deep level you know what and where you need help and being able to ask for this help. Its not an easy journey its lonely but you have to understand you are good enough, your are worth it, but you can’t do it alone and anyone who says they have done it alone is a liar. Those people don’t pay attention to the countless individuals that were there for them and this is strictly there ego talking. We all need each other equally.
Fighting for what?
So many people are fighting for things to change. But what are they really fighting for? What are you trying to change? Sure they want justice and equality but I’m sorry we are not made equal. Sure we all have emotions and feelings and a body but that’s about all that’s equal about us. How those emotions react and how we interpret those feelings is different for every person. And it always will be because those feelings are based off of your experience and your ability to inturpret that experience.
The problem with this is that everyone feels like an outsider and that noone can understand them and honestly there right. Yet if they would take the time to work on controlling those emotions and express there feelings with each other then by God guess what? You would see the same core emotions drive us all. In that aspect we are all equal.
Unfortunately though noone is doing this instead you have groups like Blm fighting against oppression when in reality there causing that vary oppression they seek to escape. They are driven by emotion and they think people are on there side when all they really have is a bunch of kids from broken homes that are empathizing with them. None of them even understand what there really fighting for. Because of this cognitive dissonance sets in and they reject and ignore anyone who could actually help them because they don’t have the means or foundation to deal with any beliefs but thier own.
Then you have groups like the gay community that lived there lives being different or rejected and they seek to appease people. They make up all these sexual identities for people to define them selves and just go with it. In reality though its making it harder for kids growing up to even know who they are. Having more choices is not a good thing when it comes to devolpment of the brain during the teenage years. Sure it’s great because it give these kids a place to feel like they belong but it doesn’t promote them finding themselves. Hardship and trials are what define us.
If you heal yourself and learn who you are, if you handle your emotions and express your feelings, you will learn that we are all a reflection of each other and the more we try to fight ourselves the more we bring about the vary problems we had to go through. All these problems made us the great people we are sure you may not have liked them but they made you strong, they gave you the opportunity to discover yourself early on.
We should be aware yes of course but just as the process to healing our brains starts with how we think and learning to have positive thoughts to push away the negative ones we should also be living this way. Do your best to positively influence every person you meet. Raise your kids in a good home. Stop letting your ego control you and think that you have any other job but to live. We are at our core nothing but animals. Everything else is nothing but the conscious mind altering our instinctive impulses to survive into outward behaviors to fit the reality we live in.
When you live in a world were you dont need to survive. The brain is seeking to create a fear or an enemy to survive against and we are at the top of the food chain. We are literally trying to survive ourselves. You don’t have to though. You are given this wonderful to live and enjoy. Thats something not many other animals besides maybe a dolphin has. Start enjoying it and stop creating all these problems just to define your exsistance.
Love and hate
Honestly I hate it, I dont like all the hate and the pain. It sucks to see a country give into anger and use it as a tool to initiate change. I know what happened was wrong I’m not arguing that. What I mean is that I feel like there should be a way to do all this with love. I mean if we look at this in terms of a relationship then thier whole race was in a emotionally and physically abusive relationship for so long that it change there mentality. The blacks of america are trauma victims that are hurt and lashing out at any in justice. Cause the fact of the matter is facts can be spun and made to support any cause what’s important is the patterns. As a community they see each other as weak and there always looking to get ahead, there anger which should be directed at there community is overly directed at justice. Which is ok they cant turn that anger on themselves right now because those feelings of weakness and powerlessness they was made to feel so long ago. They still are trying to take there power back but there power will only ever come from within. They need to respect each other and love each other. There race is not weak they are powerful. But noone has shown them how to love themselves. Noone has understood them in such a way to make them feel like there valid. So I’m here to say I love all you black people out there no matter what. Because I understand our country as a whole wronged you. I’m also saying that I want you to love yourself. Stop calling each other a foul word. It’s ok to be angry with each other. You can be mad at yourself, be mad at the world and be mad at anyone you want to. Healing will take time but emotions and femininity is not weak. You can’t be fighting each other if you want to fight the world. The only way to take on america is to make them understand why your mad. You have to show them how things have effected you and you have to make them see that mentally the effects still linger. You have to start loving one another inside the community and stop looking to always come up. Do you really believe money makes you powerful or gets you everything in life? Money does nothing but make you lose sight of who you are. I know that once you come together as a community and support each other out of love instead anger that’s directed at injustice you can get a real following. Do you understand how many kids in today’s world dont love themselves either, growing up without fathers so they never know what it means to be a man. So they walk around trying to show how big and bad they are when inside there nothing but scared and lost. If you want change you have to have the entire nation on you side and not just the young kids looking to express themselves. First you need to come together then you need a leader, then you need a goal, what do you want. You want justice? For what? For the trauma inflicted up you mentally? Cause back in those days it was a thing, not though it very well is. What do you actually want. Maybe you just want people to understand how much pain your in as community and to stop acting like it’s as simple as yall not hurting each other. You have mentally been conditioned to think of yourselves as week and powerless. I think though your strong. Walking around everyday feeling like nothing yet still intimidating all those around you. Loving your men who have had there power taken from them. Men running from there kids because they dont wanna be a shitty father. If were gonna promote change then let’s do it the way MLK did. Let’s make it the most extraordinary thing the world has seen.