When you grow up in a family who didnt care for you. Who used you as a scapegoat. Who never payed attention and where you wasnt allowed to be better then them or know better then they did. You dont learn a single thing other then do what’s best for them. When you feelings are dismissed and your wants decided for you you dont even learn your a person. Growing up basically being a robot living within parameters set by everyone else there is no individuality. There is no personality. My personality was whatever you wanted it to be. And I was defined by how well I was who you wanted. That goes over great in the workplace when people want a perfect worker. Not so much when people want a worker and try to be friends. That person is great at fitting in and being what people think they want or need and reflecting back thier desires. That is until they realize they dont know what they want, or they get mad they got what they wanted, or they get what they wanted but feel it’s to good to be true and dont appreciate it. In the real world giving people what they want only works for narcissistic individuals and as a stepping stone for others. For everything else in life it gets you rejected or tormented. When you dont know any different though and this is all you was ever made to believe made you of value getting rejected and tormented only removes your purpose for being alive. I redefined my purpose and said ok well at least people get mad at me and then go on to be happy. Or they use me and get the things they want. I learned to be grateful that I could benefit people in some small way. That was how I defined my life and my worth. That I wasnt worthy to have anything in life I was only here as a doormat for others happiness. I learned to be happy with those circumstances and accepted them. Now I’m finding out I am a person though I’m still unsure of what that means exactly or how to be an individual or unique but I’m trying. Course now that I know everyone acts like I’m to normal or plain. So I still feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I wish I didnt have to worry about money and normal life and that I could just go explore the world and learn what being human ment. Humans fascinate me.
I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I never really liked big groups of people or loud places so I didn’t really care for parties or anything like that. Dont get me wrong I wanted to go to them and I would if i had the chance. I only wanted to and did go though because I thought this is what people normally do right. I did allot of things trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be. Including smoking cigs which i didnt start till 18 and getting drunk which i never found all that fun. Drugs seemed to be the easiest way to fit in. When your doing drugs with people they dont care who you are and if you have drugs they will hangout with you just to do them. So for awhile after my depression I ended up doing drugs because i didnt want to be alone. Allot of the things i bought was to impress people and keep up an image and the people I hung out with were not always the best but feeling needed trumped rational decisions. The sad thing is I knew that they only stuck around or hung out with me as long as I was useful to them or as long as I treated them a certain way. Either way I can say now that it was dumb of me to think that kind of lifestyle had any meaning. Sure I felt happy and the drugs kept me nice and high so I didnt care about anything else. The thing is though without the drugs I didnt like the people that much, they wasnt nice people. When they wasnt around me honestly I felt no need to do the drugs, the more I paid attention to myself the more I realized wow I do drugs just to feel like I belong somewhere. Doing drugs was fun though and i loved to do them, it’s just when I think about it one day I want a family, i want to have a kid and a partner that loves and supports me. What I dont want is a kid growing up in a chaotic household. I dont want a partner who feels unappreciated and unhappy. I dont want something like drugs to be the only thing life revolves around. So yes drugs are fun feeling wanted is nice but when I think about the future I know I have to learn to be ok by myself and with myself. No easy task I tell you especially when you grow up thinking who you are isnt acceptable, that noone would ever want you around. It sucks feeling that way because I know it’s not true but it’s what I was made to feel as a child and it’s going to take some time to change. Yes I still screw up here and there and do drugs to ease the nothingness inside but I dont beat myself up to much about it I just forgive myself and keep moving forward.