It sucks.

When you grow up in a family who didnt care for you. Who used you as a scapegoat. Who never payed attention and where you wasnt allowed to be better then them or know better then they did. You dont learn a single thing other then do what’s best for them. When you feelings are dismissed and your wants decided for you you dont even learn your a person. Growing up basically being a robot living within parameters set by everyone else there is no individuality. There is no personality. My personality was whatever you wanted it to be. And I was defined by how well I was who you wanted. That goes over great in the workplace when people want a perfect worker. Not so much when people want a worker and try to be friends. That person is great at fitting in and being what people think they want or need and reflecting back thier desires. That is until they realize they dont know what they want, or they get mad they got what they wanted, or they get what they wanted but feel it’s to good to be true and dont appreciate it. In the real world giving people what they want only works for narcissistic individuals and as a stepping stone for others. For everything else in life it gets you rejected or tormented. When you dont know any different though and this is all you was ever made to believe made you of value getting rejected and tormented only removes your purpose for being alive. I redefined my purpose and said ok well at least people get mad at me and then go on to be happy. Or they use me and get the things they want. I learned to be grateful that I could benefit people in some small way. That was how I defined my life and my worth. That I wasnt worthy to have anything in life I was only here as a doormat for others happiness. I learned to be happy with those circumstances and accepted them. Now I’m finding out I am a person though I’m still unsure of what that means exactly or how to be an individual or unique but I’m trying. Course now that I know everyone acts like I’m to normal or plain. So I still feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I wish I didnt have to worry about money and normal life and that I could just go explore the world and learn what being human ment. Humans fascinate me.

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